Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Cleaning house, Hollywood style

It's me again, Margaret.

Thought y'all might enjoy some random today :)

Yesterday, I began cleaning house. I started with the diaper bag. (Yeah, I know, that doesn't *really* count as cleaning house, but cut me some slack. I'm trying here.) I found exactly 5,712 Silly Bandz in the bottom of said diaper bag. This was aggravating, but I let it go.

Today, I started to really clean house. Because I can promise you, it will take me every single day to get this house clean for Santa. Not that I give two shakes about what the jolly fat man thinks, but I want my Christmas morning pictures to look good. Now, we have a large chocolate-colored shag rug in our living room. And guess what I found all in it, around it, and generally covering every square inch of floor space throughout the house? You guessed it. Silly Bandz.

In case you lack a brain, let me break it down for you. Momma (that's me) HATES Silly Bandz :)

So, Emmy and I, being the only ones awake, begin picking these things up. Just when we think we've got them all, five or twenty more appear. Seriously, like little Silly Bandz rabbits live here or something. For some crazy reason, I start thinking about one of the scenes from one of Jeff's favorite movies. But instead of the lines the actor delivers, I change it up and make them my own. Pleased to enjoy the insanity that my brain came up with this morning:

(Oh, and if you've never seen the movie Tombstone, with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer, you should probably just stop reading because this won't make a lick of sense to you.)

So here's Hollywood's awesome little piece of script:

Wyatt Earp: All right, Clanton... you called down the thunder, well now you've got it! You see that?
[pulls open his coat, revealing a badge]
Wyatt Earp: It says United States Marshal!
Ike Clanton: [terrified, pleading] Wyatt, please, I...
Wyatt Earp: [referring to Stilwell, laying dead] Take a good look at him, Ike... 'cause that's how you're gonna end up!
[shoves Ike down roughly with his boot]
Wyatt Earp: The Cowboys are finished, you understand? I see a red sash, I kill the man wearin' it!
[lets Ike up to run for his life]
Wyatt Earp: So run, you cur... RUN! Tell all the other curs the law's comin'!
Wyatt Earp: You tell 'em I'M coming... and hell's coming with me, you hear?...
Wyatt Earp: Hell's coming with me!

Except it didn't really go down like that in my head. Here's my version...

Momma: All right, Silly Bandz... you called down the thunder, well now you've got it! You see that?
[pulls open her closet, revealing a vacuum]
Momma: It says Bissell!
Silly Bandz: [terrified, pleading] Rox, please, we...
Momma: [referring to a broken Silly band, laying in front of the vac] Take a good look at him, Silly Band... 'cause that's how you're gonna end up!
[shoves Silly Band closer to the vac]
Momma: The Silly Bandz are finished, you understand? I see a Silly Band, I vacuum it up or throw it away as soon as I can!
[throws Silly Band in toybox]
Momma: So run, you cur... RUN! Tell all the other curs the vac's comin'!
Momma: You tell 'em I'M coming... and Bissel's coming with me, you hear?...
Momma: Bissel's coming with me!

So, yeah, I'm insane. I know this. I blame my children.

 Follow me on Twitter: @mrsjeffgray2002, or find me on Facebook: Roxanne Gray :)

Friday, December 9, 2011

A month and 2 days?!?!

Whoa. Dudes. For those of you who actually read this piece of crud blog, I am soooo sorry for the heinous gap between postings! All I can do in my defense, of course is blame someone else. So here goes.

I blame Amazon.

Yeah, that Amazon. Massive online retailer and proprietor of all that is really cool and cheap. I discovered Amazon this Christmas season, and haven't really looked back since. It's all your fault, buddy. You've kept me awake, often until after midnight composing and tweaking and putting the finishing touches on my Christmas shopping. My husband *really* appreciates that. But you, didn't stop there, did you?

No, you offered me a free one-month subscription to Amazon Prime. Which I am totally and completely hooked on now. The space of a few weeks after that free membership will expire until I can afford to pay the $79 annual fee (which OMG I will, and gladly) will seem like eons. EONS.

I swear to you, they aren't paying me to say any of this. Be nice if they did, but I digress. Just ask my best friend-she'll tell you I sound like a commercial with all the pro-Amazon texts I send her lately. It's ridiculous. But it's also really, really, wonderful. Here's why:

Over the last two years, I've learned that Christmas in a one-income household is tough to do. I mean like, 'the house payment goes a month behind and so does everything else to afford Christmas', tough to do sometimes. And still, you wind up with the same old generic crap from Walmart that you pay too much for anyway. The biggest reasons I love Amazon are selection and price. I'm a very "perfect gift for a person" type of person, and this year I *think* I nailed it. Got everybody something I think they will truly like, instead of random Walmart stuff. That makes me incredibly happy. I live for the reactions people get when they open a gift that I've put thought into. (Ok, I live for my family, and then for that feeling, lol)

Finally, I have a dear friend on Facebook who posted this the other day. (I'm fairly certain she won't mind me re-posting. Because she's awesome.) "I love Christmas shopping online. No crowds, no dragging {her young son} from store to store, just a neat little box sent straight to my house. Ahhh." Yes, this, exactly.

And so now my shopping is completely done, above and beyond even my usual standards, and I have not had to set foot inside a store to Christmas shop. I haven't even had to leave my bed, thanks to the nifty iPhone app. Did you ever think there would come a day when you could do every bit of Christmas shopping with your phone if you were of a mind? I sure didn't. Superbly relaxing, especially with the three ginger ninjas to look after. I mean, seriously, I've even bought my baby's dang diapers on Amazon this month.

So, to sum it all up, yes, I love Amazon.

Nitey-nite. Or morning, since it's now 12:24 a.m.

(This actually started as an apology for not blogging lately. And I'm not sure really how it transformed into an advertisement. Blame Mountain Dew, fudge cookies, and Benadryl. But I promise to blog better, just probably not until after the holidays.)

Make me feel special...friend me on Facebook, or follow me on the "new" Twitter, which, by the way, I supremely dislike ;) @mrsjeffgray2002