Sunday, November 6, 2011

Kidnapped by evil vampires

I had an interesting experience the night before the last. I was kidnapped by evil vampires. And I say evil, because of course, I'm a good vampire. Or I was, in the wee hours of the morning yesterday.

I'm not really sure how I got kidnapped. All I remember is that I was, Jeff was, and a few others. The evil vampires needed to kill us to themselves stronger. It was kind of a mash up of the sequel to 30 Days of Night and Highlander.

At any rate, this evil chick vampire Lilith had us, and we were in bad shape.

Until a whole bunch of our good vampire friends came to rescue us! They must've been like the SWAT team of the vampire world-they were decked out in all black, bulletproof looking stuff. Because vampires need bulletproof clothing, I guess.

So anyway, they rescue us, but we're so weak. At this point, with evil vampires lurking, we decide that we need hot showers before we further our escape attempt. With our SWAT team vanished, we go in search of showers. It's just Jeff and I at this point.

The first door in this maze-like building does not contain showers. When we opened the door, it was an office. Despite the blood splattered on the wall, I decided that I desperately needed some paper. Predictably, at this point, a zombie-not an evil vampire-lunges from behind the door at us. I told him I was sorry to bother him, and quickly shut the door.

The next door is the showers. Obviously, time is of the essence, so we use two showers at once. And I was so mad because some dude had used the shower before me, and I had to use dude-smelling soap. And then there was no deodorant. So I yelled for Jeff to bring me some, and he brought me dude deodorant. Our escape then continued, with me smelling like a dude.

We made it to the roof and looked down, and only saw one zombie. Jeff threw a rock on his head, so we were good to go. Just had to make it back to the bottom through the maze. Because of course we went up, not down. And then, in true horror movie fashion, we decide that splitting up is a good idea. He decides to ride a motorcycle back down, but takes a shortcut through several walls, without even slowing down.

I mean, my husband was badass.

So I'm gonna go find me a motorcycle. In a large, warehouse room I find one, but I'm attacked by one of the evil vampires! I put a large, fabric cutting table between us, but just as all seems lost, a friend I used to work with, Rosalynn, shot the evil vampire. It takes her down, Roz goes about her business, and I hop on the motorcycle.

Now, I'm not as experienced a rider as Jeff, so I don't go through walls. I go down a long, spirally staircase and bust out the front door. It seems deserted, so I decided to go to a couple of yard sales down a side road.

While I was buying towels, I mentioned to the lady my surprise at the lack of zombies and vampires on her road-so much that she felt safe having a yard sale. "Oh, we haven't had zombies on this road in years," she assured me.

Beginning to feel weak again, by myself with no clue where my husband is, I decide to ditch the bike for a truck I see. But just as I get to the truck, the zombie horde comes from out of nowhere! They are closing in, coming faster and faster, and then...

And then I wake up.

Did I mention we've all been sick? That night, and the night before, I had a total of maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep altogether. The rest of the time I was awake with a screaming baby. Last night was the first decent night's sleep I've had in several days.

No, this is not your brain on drugs. This is your brain on sleep deprivation.

It was a kickass dream, though! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

BTW, I am not dead.

Have you ever had one of *those* days? If you have kids, know someone who has kids, or never even heard of kids, you have had one of those days. The kind of day that starts off so promising, but quickly turns into refried duck turds? Well, that was my day today. And because misery loves company, I'll share it with you.

Although the day seems to have righted itself this evening (however, it is still fairly early), there were some very hairy moments in the space of the afternoon. Looking back on them now, from my nice, warm bed watching Mythbusters, they are *almost* slightly funny. I'll probably laugh about them tomorrow. But I was ready to kill some folks today.

So, the good first.

I'm hesitant to say this, but I'll knock on some wood, so here goes: I think that Bryce and I are almost over our nasty coughs. We've both felt better, and we both got a decent amount of cough-less sleep this morning. Sleep we really, really needed. We piddled around the house until about two, and left early to stop by Walmart before going to pick up Emily from school.

It's at this point, things begin to fall apart, although I don't yet realize it.

Saw my mom in Walmart, and that was cool. Saw my sister-in-law Kerrie also. (She works there.) I talked to Mom a bit, not long, as I was going to her house shortly after, where Emmy gets off the school bus. All the while I'm still bopping along with my afternoon plans. I begin the short drive to Mom's, when I realize my phone is at home. On the charger. Which is crazy because I'm fully convinced my phone has a direct connection to my brain. I can't function without it. So I have a minute of slight panic, but I KNOW I'll make it home before Jeff, so he shouldn't worry.

Except that he started calling me about two, right after I'd left the house. And he couldn't get me.

While I'm at Mom's, she continues with her devious plans to send all my brothers' old toys home with my kids (but that's a whole 'nother post). Yesterday, Emmy had found an old school Game Boy, and today Bryce found another one and a bunch of games. The only problem was that we needed batteries.

No problem, we'll just run in at Dirt Cheap on the way home, pick up some batteries, and they'll play these new games all night.

Now I'll be the first to admit my kids are good kids, but they are spoiled rotten. They can be brats. But tonight, I had high hopes that they'd be good. Even with the satellite in both of their rooms, countless toys and movies, laptops, and even my iPhone, I'd hoped they'd sit and play those Game Boys. Because even thought they were older than dirt, they worked and they were *new*.

But really, is anything ever easy with gingers? Let me answer that one for you: NO.

My 'quick run' into Dirt Cheap turned into a forty five minute nightmare. And all the while, Jeff still can't reach me. Like the good husband he is, he's beginning to panic. Because he can't get anyone at my Mom's, either, because cell service there sucks. With a capital SUX.

Suffice it to say, we didn't leave Dirt Cheap without a screaming, crying fit from the seven year old. Out of all of them, she's generally the most reasonable. But not today. My gosh, not today. I was ready to wring her neck. I got everyone loaded up and drove home, completely and totally po'd. Thank goodness it's only six minutes away.

As we turned on our road, my first thought was, 'Oh, good, Jeff's home early. He can help me deal with this.' I honked the horn and he came out, and he was ill, too. Apparently, I was in trouble. I didn't care at that point.

So he saw how angry I was and he took Emily to talk to her. Thank goodness. Gave me a chance to calm down. I was steaming! But then, it was my turn.

I was in trouble for being unreachable. Having realized I left my phone at home, I thought anybody could call Mom or even my stepdad if they needed me. But all of their cells were spotty today. And my trip to Dirt Cheap took WAY longer than expected because of Emmy's theatrics. Of course, I didn't know any of this.

But the point of this entire post (if you've made it this far, yay!) is to tell y'all just how much I love Jeff. Because he wasn't angry. He was just worried sick about his family. We'd all been sick lately, and on top of that, he had us wrecked in a ditch somewhere. He called everyone to try to find us, left work in a rush early, and was about to start searching when we got home.

God, I love that man :)

And it's also been very nice to hear the phone ringing almost non-stop from people trying to make sure we'd been found alive! So if you called to check on me, thank you, and I'm sorry my husband (and I) had you needlessly worried. I promise I'll try not to forget my third arm (i.e., iPhone) ever, ever again :) Lo siento mucho.

In other news, Justin Beiber has a baby mama? What the what?!?! Thought he was a little girl...;)

Tweet me, peeps! I'll follow back :) @mrsjeffgray2002 Or you can leave your comments in the box below!